Toasters Are Lethal!
by Lika Amanaka
Summary: Duo and the toaster do not get along. For one thing, it's always burning or spitting his toast out! Read now and find out how Duo and the Gundam Pilots deal with the rogue toaster! A short story inspired from real life


**Toasters Are Lethal!**

**Lika Amanaka, April 2010**

* * *

I'll say it once, and I'll say it again! Toasters are lethal! Not just any toaster though. _This_ toaster! The way is shoots toast and bagels at me just as I'm walking by, or burning them to crisp _after _I checked the temperature control!!! Waiting for that one moment when it can either scare the hell out of me or give me a minor heart attack!

Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating, therefore I must prove my theory. I'm not paranoid. That toaster is out to get me! Ok maybe I'm a little paranoid, but you'd be too if you constantly had to fight with the toaster every morning. Perfect way to wreck a beautiful morning too!

Ok, take this morning for instance. I took the time to perfectly slice an English muffin right down the middle. Not an easy feat! That's a tricky bugger to slice, even harder than a bagel!! And that's _with _a bread knife! Anyway, so I checked the toaster temperature control (medium brown by the way, I like some crispy bits, for all you curious ladies _*wink*_). Then I make sure to insert the English muffin, cut side inwards. And _before _pressing the little toasting button, I slide the option from TOAST to BAGEL (well technically an English muffin is a baby bagel with no hole, right? Am I right? I'm right, deal with it).

And then! I pressed the toasting button. Toaster on! Cha ching, I'm gonna get me some breakfast! So I'm jogging around the kitchen, getting myself a perfectly balanced breakfast all ready, set, go! Grabbed me a glass of milk, a banana and glass of that freshly squeezed, oh so good goodness of that delightful fruit we like to call an "orange". Cause it's round and orange, people sure are creative with naming things eh?

So that's all set, I pace back to the toaster, I figure it's almost finished it's toasting process. I mean, it's not rocket science or anything, just regular science, since burning or toasting is a chemical process from which there is no return. Hahaha thank God for Discovery Channel or I wouldn't know that either!!

So anyway, the toaster, instead of lovingly caressing my English muffin to the surface, shoots the damned bread right out and almost onto the floor!! I'm like "ok that's it". I grab the toaster and pull it out by the plug. Game over! Bwahahahaha

"Duo, what are you doing to the toaster?"

"I'm teaching it a lesson"

_Blank stare_

"Ok, forget I asked" Shuffling away.

That was Quatre by the way, one of my friends and roommates. He doesn't believe the toaster is out to get us, he's too innocent to see the truth of the evil, lethal, toast burning, bagel spitting toasting machine.

So, fast forward to the next weekend. I set up a digital video camcorder in front of the toaster and run a cable to the next room and hooked it up to the TV. If the toaster misbehaves today, I wanna have proof!

"You're…recording the toaster? What is this? _Toasters Gone Wild_?" Wufei asks (he's another roommate…we all work together and to save money, share the same residence).

"You joke now, but you'll see the error of your way soon" I replied, fine tuning the camcorder to record at close range.

Heero walked by, grabbed a bowl of cereal and walked past me again before asking, "Why do you bother? You could just shoot the mother freaking toaster in the mother freaking face and be done with it"

_Sigh _"I know I shouldn't have let you watch that movie" I reply, checking that the camcorder battery is fully charged and ready to go, I flip the switch. "Ok guys, this experiment is officially rolling. Just go about your business, nothing to see here. Move along, move along"

"Oh God, he's serious isn't he?" Quatre asked, walking into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

"Yup" Replied Trowa, who was quietly reading the newspaper at the kitchen table, almost totally oblivious to my experiment on the kitchen countertop. Almost.

"Duo, you do realize you have to plug the toaster in for it to work? Or in your case, not work properly?"

"Trowa buddy, this toaster is so smart it doesn't need to be plugged in. It'll find a way to burn toast or shoot it onto the floor….just wait for it" I reply.

So we waited. And waited. And then everyone left and I waited alone. Then I got hungry and ate something. Then I waited some more. Then I got bored and plugged the toaster in, cause Trowa was probably right and I'm not gonna admit it. And then I loaded in some toast and pushed the toast button on.

I decided to leave the kitchen. And then POP! I run back in. Toast on the floor, toast on the floor, you're looking like a fool with your toast on the floor! I win. The toaster is lethal!

While I'm doing my happy dance, happy that I now have proof, Quatre comes back into the kitchen with a pamphlet in hand. Without a word, he unplugged the toaster, opened a small panel in the back, tweaked some kind of setting, and closed the panel and set the toaster back in place.

"I found the manual. It says _If toaster spits or burns toast, open panel in the back and switch the toaster from Evil to Toaster. _You shouldn't have any problems now." And with that, Quatre leaves the kitchen. The whole time I'm standing there with my mouth hanging open. I knew it! The toaster _was _out to get me!

* * *

"Did he fall for it?" Wufei asked. Trowa looked up from his newspaper. Heero turned around from his computer.

"Yeah I think he did. Good idea guys" Quatre smiles.

Turning back to his computer, Heero said "I still think he should have shot it"

* * *

**Author's Note: **YEAH! That felt awesome. I haven't written a fan fiction story since high school, and this idea randomly came to me one day, when _my own _toaster projectile spit my toast out and nearly scared me half to death (as my house is silent as a tomb, the POP noise really _is_ startling lol).

Anyway, thanks for reading! As usual, all right reserved to the of the Gundam Wing anime/manga. I own nothing (except the awesome anime box set! Booya!!). I also want to give credit for the pop culture references I dropped: movie _Snakes on a Plane_ with Samuel L. Jackson, _Girl Gone Wild_, American Idol (The old dude who sang "Pants on the Ground" this season lol), and The Simpsons (the whole switch toaster from evil to good based on Krusty the Klown doll with the same situation…probably parodied from something else, knowing the Simpsons parody repertoire).

Thanks folks! Have a good 2010!


End file.
